Naissance
by Cassidy Alice
Summary: Not all beginnings are easy. (Spoilers for Blackveil)


_A/N: So, this is my first foray into the Green Rider fandom but I've been obsessed with the series for a while now. I haven't written much for the series, but I found this old piece lying about on my computer and thought I'd post it. I wrote this for a writing contest on a forum, over a year ago and so, with the advent of Mirror Sight, I doubt much in this fic is going to follow what happens in the actual series. Still, before we had knowledge of some of the details of Mirror Sight, it was fun speculating what might happen and this is a result of that. Hopefully, this fic is decent and the characters aren't too OOC and such. Happy readings!_

_Note/Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, places, etc. belong to Kristen Britain and the events of this fic take place after Blackveil, so there are likely spoilers! ^^'_

* * *

**Naissance**

There was no way out, Karigan decided, as she sat in that strange place between two worlds. Was it even a place? Had she died, after all? Or was she merely alive in some hellish, nameless plane of existence with nothing at all. No one for company, nothing for sustenance. Nothing at all. Her hands were cut and bleeding from hours of futilely knocking stones about. They burned with the intensity of a thousand wounds and Karigan wanted to cry, but she had spent too many tears already. She felt miserable and hollow. She was sure she would waste away in this strange place. No one would find her. How could they?

Gritting her teeth against the wave of pain, Karigan leaned back and fought the urge to scream. She wanted nothing more than for someone to find her, to wrap her up in a warm embrace and take her far away from this place. But it was wishful thinking, and as she let sleep take hold of her once again, she thought that was all it would ever be.

* * *

It was at times like these, when the moon was full and the stars were shining brightly overhead that King Zachary wished that a certain Green Rider was with him. A cool breeze was whispering to him unintelligibly as he stood on his balcony and watched the stars. He desperately wished Karigan was there with him, but as fate would have it, she was lost to him in more ways than one. Zachary sighed and ran a hand through his hair, hit with the sudden realization that if Karigan didn't come back, he might quite possibly snap. He didn't know how much longer he had it in himself to pull off this nauseating façade, to pretend that he was deeply in love with and completely devoted to one woman when he was desperately wishing she was someone else. He wasn't going to pretend it wasn't a lie, because the sad fact of the matter was that it was. Sometimes when he spoke to Estora, he imagined it was Karigan he was talking to. When she needed to be comforted or needed someone to vent to, he imagined she was Karigan so he could show the same level of compassion and attempt to display the same amount of affection he had for Karigan to Estora, because, really, he owed his new queen that much at least, regardless of whether or not he loved her; he needed to at least be friends with Estora. He liked Lady Estora, but he didn't love her. Their bond was merely one of friendship. His heart was yearning for Karigan, but it didn't help that there was a high probability that she could be dead and that he was already married, stuck in a contract that seemed to have no loopholes whatsoever.

Thinking of the marriage contract made Zachary's heart ache. The harder he looked for a flaw in the contract, the more it seemed to evade him. It seemed like the contract had been designed with his current plight in mind, as if someone had suspected he'd fall in love with a Green Rider and had edited it so that he couldn't escape getting married to Lady Estora. Unfortunately, he thought, it worked because he was married to a woman he didn't love. A beautiful, kind, gentle woman who he _should_ have loved. But he didn't.

He wanted to say he had tried, but Zachary couldn't lie to himself. Since learning of his marriage to Estora, he hadn't even attempted to let go of Karigan and move on. Oh, Laren had advised it; he recalled her exact words ("…you must let her go. _Let her go._") but it wasn't easy. Far from easy. He'd never once tried to convince himself he was in love with Estora. It was as pointless as convincing himself he was in love with his terriers. Estora was everything a queen should be, but she wasn't Karigan and for that Zachary was resentful. He didn't know how much longer he could pretend he loved Estora. Of course, Estora knew he was in love with Karigan (since their deathbed wedding she'd known and she'd been kind enough to understand and perhaps even sympathize with him), but Zachary didn't know how much longer he could deceive his subjects. If word got out he was in love with a commoner, a Greenie no less, he couldn't imagine the reaction, but he guessed it would be unpleasant. Green Riders may have been the King's elite messengers, but for all that, they weren't treated any better than commoners. Sighing heavily again, he ran a hand through his hair. He was tired, so very tired of it all. If only he had been Zachary, the farmer or Zachary the fisherman, then perhaps everything would have been different. With those melancholy thoughts lingering in his mind, whisperings and painful reminders of what could have been, King Zachary shuffled into bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

He awoke several hours later to an insistent banging on his door. Outside the confines of his room, there was much commotion and Zachary wondered if perhaps Second Empire had somehow found its way into the castle again. It was no secret that the notorious faction who believed in the ways of Morhavon the Black was still at large, so it was quite possible one of their members had gained access to the castle. But, as there were no sounds of fighting echoing nearby, Zachary ruled that out. Beyond that, he hadn't the slightest idea what may have happened to warrant such commotion.

"What's the meaning of all this commotion?" The King inquired, after he opened the door.

The Weapon assigned to guard him at all times gave a grim smile. "You're needed in the tombs right away, Excellency," Fastion said. "Captain Mapstone and the others are already on their way."

"The tombs?" he echoed, hurrying after the Weapon. Fastion nodded, but otherwise said little.

Down they went, hurrying like ants marching in a procession. Located beneath the castle, the tombs weren't a pleasant place, so King Zachary guessed that whatever led them down there couldn't have been pleasant. But, nothing could have prepared him for what he saw when he finally arrived. There, lying motionless and barely alive in the High King's Tomb was Karigan G'ladheon.

King Zachary wasn't quite sure what had happened after they had discovered Karigan huddled in the tombs. Almost immediately, she'd been whisked off to the mending wing and he couldn't quite recall how he'd managed to end up there with Laren Mapstone at his side. Laren was pacing back and forth and Zachary wanted to tell her to stop, but he couldn't seem to find the words to do so. As Captain of the Green Riders, Laren shared a special bond with all her Riders, and consequently was worried for her them, but Zachary was beginning to find her pacing rather irritating. Then again, he knew he'd find everything unbearable until he learned more about Karigan's condition. She'd been barely alive when she'd been found and now, being tended to in the mending wing, her prospects didn't look much better.

"You'll wear a hole in the ground if you keep your pacing," the King said.

Captain Mapstone ignored him.

"Laren…"

She sighed, running her hand through her red hair. "Gods, Karigan had better pull through. Stevic G'ladheon will have my head if he finds out what I've put her through."

Zachary gave a wry smile. Stevic G'ladheon, he imagined, would be far from pleased. Karigan was his only child, after all. He'd already lost his wife and unborn child; Zachary was certain Karigan's death would be a blow to not only her father, but Clan G'ladheon as well. As one of the wealthiest merchant clans in Sacoridia, Clan G'ladheon depended on Stevic and his family. If he lost his daughter- Zachary didn't want to imagine what it might do to the man and to him.

Admittedly, it was days yet before either he or Laren got news of Karigan. Since her discovery in the tombs below, she'd been holed up in the mending wing and the Master Mender had forbidden visitors for a couple of days. Zachary would've gone himself to check on her but Estora had haunted the mending wing since then and Laren and one or two of the other Riders were never far so he refrained from checking in on Karigan. He knew he wouldn't be able to bear it there, with everything and everyone so morbid.

To his surprise, however, Karigan was out of the mending wing in a matter of days. Her injuries weren't serious enough to warrant her an extended stay in the mending wing, but she'd been confined to her room with strict orders from the menders to rest for a while before resuming duties. Unable to visit Captain Mapstone and the King herself, she was forced to have them attend to her in her room. While she felt the whole ordeal was rather awkward, neither the King nor the Captain minded.

When Captain Mapstone and King Zachary arrived, Karigan was surprised to find Lady Estora- _Queen_ Estora, she corrected herself- with them. She hadn't expected Estora to come, but as Queen, she supposed Estora had a right to know what was going on. For a minute, no one spoke. Laren and Estora were appraising her and only Zachary was looking quietly happy. Karigan suddenly felt self-conscious. Covered in bandages and cuts and bruises, she was sure she was a sight.

"We didn't think we'd see you so soon, Rider," Estora said, grinning.

Karigan forced a smile. "Neither did I, Your Highness."

Estora winced at the title a little. "It's good to have you back among the living."

Karigan gave a little nod, but otherwise said little.

Laren took that as her cue to brief the Rider on what had happened since her departure to the tainted forest of Blackveil. She explained how progress at the D'Yer wall was coming along, how, sometime earlier, Zachary had been fatally wounded by a poisoned arrow and how his counselors had moved up his wedding to Lady Estora; they'd had a deathbed wedding for which he'd been mostly unconscious for. She told Karigan all about the events that had transpired since she'd left Sacor City and by the end, completely hated herself for it. She alone knew that the feelings between Karigan and Zachary were mutual and she'd done everything she could to keep them apart. As Zachary's most trusted advisor and Captain of the Green Riders, it was her duty to help him make the right decisions and as much as she liked Karigan and Zachary, she knew keeping them apart was what was best for Sacoridia. But now, seeing the dull flicker of comprehension in Karigan's eyes, Laren felt guilty. She'd urged Zachary to let go of Karigan and sent her Rider on long missions far away, hoping time and distance would allow them to forget about each other, but for all the they were still in love.

It was wrong, Laren knew, but without Zachary's marriage to Estora, Sacoridia hadn't a hope of staying strong. Lord Coutre and the Eastern lords would never have supported Zachary unless Estora, as the eldest female heir of Clan Coutre, had married the King. Without their marriage, the safety of Sacoridia would've likely been jeopardized, but Laren still hated what she'd done. Though Karigan had no idea what she'd done, Laren felt awful.

Luckily, Captain Mapstone didn't have to endure the guilt for long. King Zachary was demanding to know all about Blackveil and Laren diverted her attention to Karigan. She and five others had accompanied a small group of Eletians into Blackveil in the hopes of discovering something that might aid them all against Second Empire, but their arrival hadn't been expected. Naturally, they were all quite curious to hear about the tainted magical forest and what the journey had been like.

"It wasn't an easy trip," Karigan admitted, concluding her tale. "Colonel Porter died almost as soon as we entered the woods. And Ard…"

Estora stepped forward, throwing her arms around her friend and pleading for forgiveness. Ard had been a family friend of the Coutres, assigned to accompany the three Riders that Laren had chosen, into Blackveil. As a woodsman, he had been chosen for his skills and knowledge. What Estora hadn't known, however, was the he was sent with another secret mission: to ensure the Karigan, a threat to Estora and Zachary's marriage, never made it out of the forest alive. Estora had unknowingly given Ard her blessing to carry out his mission and she was more than relieved to see he failed.

"It was my fault," she explained. "Ard had orders to kill you from my cousin and advisor, Richmont Spane, and I unknowingly gave him my blessing. When I found out the truth…"

"He died in Argenthyne, the Eletians capital city," Karigan explained. "So did General Grant."

"What about Lynx and Yates?" Laren demanded.

Karigan shrugged. Unfortunately, she couldn't recall just how she'd managed to get separated from her fellow Riders and as such, she knew little of their condition. What little she knew wasn't enough to ascertain their wellbeing.

"We'll let you get some rest," Estora said, realizing suddenly they'd spent a good deal of time questioning Karigan. "If anything turns up, we'll notify you immediately."

Something, ironically enough, turned up the next day. Karigan was surprised to hear that one of her fellow riders, Lynx, had returned to Sacor City. The castle was again filled with commotion and in all the frenzy, Karigan managed to slip past the watchful menders assigned to her and spent some time talking with Lynx. After hearing of Yates, Karigan was so depressed she didn't think she's ever smile again, but Captain Mapstone soon joined her Riders and announced, with a smile on her face, that they were to celebrate. Karigan wasn't sure there was much to celebrate (at least not on her part), but forced a smile and attended the party and the dinners as they came. By the time the festivities had ended, she was spent.

* * *

A pleasant evening found King Zachary on the castle roof tops as he gazed out across the expanse of land bordering the castle. It was there, staring at the pastures (and more specifically, the Rider by the paddocks) that Laren found him. She didn't need to ask to know which Rider it was. Having known Zachary since he was a young boy, Laren could read him fairly easily. Now, standing silently on the roof with a melancholy expression on his face and his brown eyes devoid of that animated spark, she knew exactly what he was thinking. Laren opened her mouth to speak to him but, as if sensing her thoughts, King Zachary just gave her a small, sad smiled and ambled away.

His wanderings brought him to the paddocks and to his surprise, Karigan was still there. She was leaning against the fence, her long brown hair plaited and hanging neatly down her back, while a few loose strands blew in the wind. She was once again in her Rider uniform and for a split second, Zachary detested that she was a Rider. It may be been what brought them together in the first place but it was also keeping them apart. Casting that depressing thought aside, the King moved to join her.

"Good evening, Rider."

"Excellency." Karigan looked slightly taken aback as she bowed. She hadn't spent a moment alone with the King since she'd met him on the castle roof, after the old Rider barracks burned down.

"Nice evening, isn't it?" He commented, watching the horses in the pasture. Karigan simply nodded, feeling suddenly very nervous.

"I wanted to thank you, for what you and your fellow Riders have done for Sacoridia. I understand going into Blackveil and coming out alive is very difficult."

Karigan didn't say anything.

"And I also wanted to apologize."

Karigan gaped. "For what."

"It was my suggestion that the Green Riders accompany the Eletians into Blackveil. I unknowingly put you in greater danger than that which you faced."

Karigan searched for something to say, but couldn't find the words.

"And, I also wanted to say that, in spite of the marriage contract, and my wedding to Estora, what I told you once before still holds true."

Karigan blanched. She'd nearly forgotten about that. They'd done more than simply exchange greetings on the roof that day. Zachary had admitted his feelings towards her went beyond esteem and she'd accused him of trying to make her his paramour. Since she'd fled from him on the roof, the subject hadn't been broached. Until now.

"I wanted you to understand," he explained gently. "I do not wish anything from you; you've already risked your life for me more than once and for Sacoridia. Both the country and I are indebted to you. I just wanted you to know. I still feel the same way. I only wish things had turned out differently."

Although Zachary had admitted to Karigan that he loved her, Karigan had never outright told him the feeling was mutual. She'd never imagined she had it in her, but she found herself hinting at it with her reply.

"Me too."

Flushing and mortified by her response, Karigan quickly bowed and hurried away.

King Zachary watched her go, feeling oddly content and yet thoroughly depressed at the same time. Karigan G'ladheon was an extraordinary woman and she'd been through more in her short time as a Green Rider than he had in all his years as prince. He'd fallen in love with her the minute she'd showed up in his court, claiming he wasn't a real king until he'd been out and about with his subjects. Since then, his only desire had been to protect her, but she seemed to be a magnet for trouble. That only increased his desire to keep her closer, but as a Rider that was almost impossible. She must go wherever her captain ordered her and Zachary knew Laren would never agree to keeping Karigan close by, especially since Sacoridia depended on him as King. Zachary knew Laren was only looking out for him by refusing to meet his demands; the Clans needed a strong leader now more than ever, as she said, and he couldn't afford to chase after Karigan when he was already married and had a country to run. But, he was determined not to let that stop him from doing all he could to keep the Rider safe. He was married and he had a country to run, but the Gods take him if he didn't do what he could to protect Karigan G'ladheon.

* * *

Karigan hurried away, glancing back only once to find King Zachary staring at her. He seemed melancholy and dejected as he ambled away, but Karigan barely noticed. She was too caught up in her sadness and anger. Who was he to come and tell her that he loved her still while he was married to Estora? He may have been the king, but she didn't see what good his confession did them. There was nothing he could do, for all his power. What was the use of telling her? It wasn't as if it could change anything. But deep down, a part of her was still grateful that, in spite of all that had happened, he still loved her as she loved him. But, she knew their happy ending would never happen. How could it? She may have been a merchant's daughter and heir to the clan, but being in the messenger service meant she was nothing more than a commoner. The king and a commoner could never be. Whatever her feelings for the king, she'd have to give up this fantasy. And give it up, she would. She didn't know if she was strong enough or even capable of letting go, but she would try. She would do her duty as a Green Rider and serve her king. Perhaps Captain Mapstone would give her errands that required her to travel far and remain away for long periods of time. Perhaps, the time and distance would be enough to make the King forget about her and devote his time to Estora. Perhaps when she next came back, she'd find Zachary and Estora completely in love as they should have been, regardless of the pain it caused her. Then, and only then, would things be the way they were always meant to.

Yes, Karigan decided, things would change. She would go on errands and Zachary's love for her would eventually fade. Soon, she'd mean nothing more to him than another messenger, as it always should have been. He'd soon get over her and all would be right again. But, the painful thudding of her heart in her chest told her it would not be so.

* * *

_Thank you to anyone and everyone who read! Hope it wasn't too bad!_

~ Cassie


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